5 Communication Tips for “These Unprecedented Times”
In the “before times,” you may remember arguing about where to spend vacation and whose family to visit for the holidays. Picture yourself back in fall 2019, arguing about how long to stay for Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws. If we only knew the ways that COVID would take these discussions about holiday visits, travel and health to a new level.
As a therapist, I am often asked how to talk with partners and family members regarding COVID concerns. These subjects bring up intense emotions and reactions and may lead to other charged topics such as health, religion, parenting and politics. This article will go over three communication errors that I see the most often, and cover five tips for clear, honest conversations.
First, 3 common communication errors to avoid:
Saying yes when you mean no: It’s easier in the moment but much more difficult long-term. Agreeing in order to avoid conflict leads to miscommunication, broken trust and resentment.
Assuming you know what the other person is thinking: negotiations often start off too many steps ahead, where each assumes they know what the other person wants. Take this article from an employee who wants to return to in-office work, but whose boss is negotiating to help her stay fully remote. Don’t get too far ahead of yourself!
Beating around the bush: If you sugar-coat something, don’t be surprised if you’re misunderstood. For example, saying “My brother will be with my parents for Thanksgiving, and it’s been awhile since we’ve seen him” is much less clear than “I’m flexible and open to discussing this further, but my preference is to spend Thanksgiving with my family because my brother will also be in town.”
A good place to start is simply noticing whether you have a tendency toward any of those communication errors, and reflecting on what is holding you back from being more assertive.
Now, 5 communication strategies to try:
Know your position ahead of time. Reflect, journal, talk to a friend, even write out exactly what your points are, so that you enter the conversation with a clear idea of what you want. Be as specific as you can.
Schedule the conversation at a mutually agreeable time. This means no one is hungry, tired, in a rush or distracted. If things have gotten heated in the past, consider holding the conversation in a public place or with a firm ending time.
Hold difficult conversations in advance. If you want to discuss return to work policies, do it a few weeks in advance. If you are concerned about the vaccination/mask protocols at an upcoming event, have that conversation ahead of time rather than during the event itself. People will be more understanding and flexible.
Clearly define the problem and your position. Use open, honest language about your preferences and concerns. Share from your perspective without attacking the other person. For example, “I would like to talk with you about the family’s Thanksgiving plans. I want to set expectations about who is going and where we will meet. Because I work with non-vaccinated students, I am concerned about being indoors with grandma for Thanksgiving meal. My preference would be that I join you for a visit after the dinner.” (I know, I know, easier said than done.)
Ask about the other person’s position with curiosity and openness. Remember, don’t assume you know what they are going to say. Ask why they have that position, why it’s important to them and if they have any concerns they would like to address. Use reflective listening (“I’m hearing you say….” “It sounds like you prefer….”) to make sure you understand their side.
There’s no magic bullet to make a difficult conversation go exactly the way you played it out in your head. Expect some discomfort and anxiety. These strategies are not going to eliminate stress, but they can reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings.